1 month down!

     
        Can you believe 1 month has already passed? I'm really in disbelief about how fast it has gone! I can't tell you how much I have dreaded getting through this first month, but it honestly wasn't even half as bad as I expected it to be.  I know in my past posts and just in general I have really come across as being extremely strong, and almost unaltered by the fact that Aj deployed. Now that the one  month mark has hit I can honestly say that I have had(and I hate to say it) a couple rough days. I have only cried once, and it literally was from being so overwhelmed, not necessarily that I was sad. Aj hates why I cry, so over the years I have slowly learned to get my anger/sadness out in other forms.  On these days though, I literally force myself to stay positive and put together some sort of activity to keep my mind off of the time and distance. I am waaaaaay ok with having only a few rough days, I half expected to go into some sort of depression or something I guess. 

      There is literally nothing I can tell anyone as far as how Aj's past few weeks have gone, but what I can say is that it has been a scary time, and I can no longer sleep through the night. I think I wake up 4-5 times now,and I hope at some point that changes. This experience has 100% solidified my whole hearted beliefs behind the career path I have chosen-being a counselor for military families and soldiers. There is literally ZERO support for the families and wives that is easily accessible other than the FRG and some half assed on post counseling, but even then you have to be careful about what you say. Who do you talk to when your husband calls and something not so good has happened? (I'm not saying this happened to us, just giving an example) You can't tell anyone because of OPSEC, even other military wives can't know much, if anything about your husband. It's just really frustrating, and I can see why so many soldiers and their families are choosing to leave the military right now. Anyone can go to a regular non military counselor, but from my experience with that, if they are not military, or have zero military background...you are better off talking to a brick wall than to someone who doesn't get it, you know? 


     Many people have been asking me "well, have you heard from him?" Just so you all know....I HATE that question.  We can't skype because in all honesty he is too busy, our phone calls are timed at 15 min.(so we have chosen to not use this type of communication unless we are desperate to hear one another's voice), but every other day or so I may get a response or quick email from him....and I am so thankful for that. Aj's R&R has been jumping around like crazy. We planned on August so that we could get the majority of the deployment out of the way and so he could be home very close to our 1 year wedding anniversary. This quickly changed and he was put on R&R in June. It has changed a few more times since I originally wrote this paragraph, but we are looking at June at this exact moment.
     
     On a happier note, so far this month I have been able to do a few fun things. I went to a comedy club for the first time and it was so much fun! I plan on going again next month when a comedian from the Chelsea Lately show comes into town. Also, I started my classes back up this Monday, and I'm going to be swamped with school work! I'm actually taking an online lab course.  I contemplated for so long how I would do a lab course when I'm in my school's online degree program. So, I signed up for it anyways, and literally a few days later they sent me a lab kit. I wonder what the neighbors will say when they look into our kitchen window and see me doing a lab experiment...goggles and all ;D
      

     Some things I have accomplished or learned so far are:

•         I can't finish a gallon of milk on my own before the expiration date hits
•         I  have never been a person who eats breakfast(because I'm never hungry in the am and  don't like many breakfast foods), but since Aj left I have been working hard to eat it everyday!  
•         I have yet to forget to put the trash out( something Aj and I fail at miserably together!)
•         Grocery shopping for 1 is not only depressing, but nearly impossible for me.
•         Cooking dinner for one is just never going to happen for me. Cup of noodle it is!
•         Although I miss Aj sleeping next to me more than anything else in this world, I must say my legs are so happy to be able to stretch out! =D      
•        The part in my blog where I post recipes and what not is getting deleted, lets be honest here.... I don't enjoy cooking and I don't have the time to try new recipes all that much.   I will have a few new things for Aj to try, but after that it's his turn!  

Here are a sample of pictures from when we had our photos taken before Aj left.  It was really important to me that we get photos done in the actual uniform he was going to be in for most of his time. Some of these photos are soooo cookie cutter, and to be honest...I like it.

A Week in Review

   All I can say is WOW. The first week of Aj being gone has flow by! Thank you to everyone who has called, left messages, and just been so incredibly positive and encouraging to me. I really thought this first week was going to be rough, but it surprisingly was a piece of cake! I was a little bit intimidated by those who have said the first 2 weeks are hard, but thanks to family and friends it has been one of the best weeks. Lets hope this positivity continues!

   

(The wreath Aj's mom and I made. It will hang on my front door until he is home)

    Throughout this past week I have spent most of my time with Aj's parents and my sister. Aj's family has made this entire experience so easy for me thus far. They have been through everything Aj and I are experiencing plus some. My sister has stayed over a few nights with me this week and we just had fun watching movies until we couldn't keep our eyes open any longer. The nights are the hardest part, and so I work really hard at exhausting myself during the day so that I can quickly fall asleep at night.


    I have decided to do a countdown to R&R. Originally I wasn't going to do one, but I have been convinced by a few wives that it is a fun, and a very rewarding thing to do for myself.  I struggled to figure out what kind of candy I wanted to use for my countdown. I couldn't do anything I really liked  and I also couldn't do anything with just one flavor, otherwise I would hate this countdown. I finally decided on jolly ranchers. My sister and I went to the store where I bought 20 bags of jolly ranchers (each bag only had like 17-20 pieces in it). Talk about looking ridiculous walking around with that many jolly rancher bags. I ended up being approached by a lady who thought they were stocking stuffers. I think she was a bit disappointed when I told her I had a very long countdown!  Aj thinks I'm crazy for subjecting myself to eating all that candy, and I'm sure he is referring to me as his crazy jolly rancher wife. 

                     (8 months worth of jolly ranchers, yikes!)



  The most difficult part of this deployment was getting through Christmas, and we made it! Aj has been so incredibly wonderful in keeping in contact with me. He was able to call me 2 days before the holidays and he called me Christmas morning. He absolutely made my day, and hearing his voice gave me so much strength to get through it all.

(We decided to do the tree a bit different, I wish I took a better picture of it actually finished, but oh well!)

   His family and mine spent Christmas Eve together like we do every year. It was so much fun, and so very relaxed. His family and I decided that even though Aj couldn't be with us, we would still buy him a bunch of gifts. We all took turns opening them and taking pictures of each of us with his gift. We sent them to him via email so he would know we didn't forget about him!

                   (Conan giving me smiles on Christmas morning)

   My sister stayed the night Christmas Eve, and for Christmas breakfast I went over to Aj's parents. I can't tell you how many times I went back and forth to our home, Aj's parents, and my moms. Thankfully we all live about 5 min. from one another! Christmas dinner was spent with our good friends Adam and Amy, who were so gracious enough to help us all get through Christmas. We really wanted to do something nontraditional with Aj gone, and spending it with them was just that! It was a really great time, and they were perfect hosts and distractions for us!

So that's about it for now. I started working out a few days ago, and next week I'm attending a fostering orientation because I have decided to help out our local shelter that is over flowing with animals that need some extra TLC.  The next difficult hurdle is getting through New Years, but once that is over I can celebrate the fact that I can now say "Aj comes home at the end of the year" instead of "Aj comes home next year" =D 

Freedom isn't free

      I would have posted sooner, but I have been so incredibly busy since Aj left.  I haven't had time to sit at the computer, or even be home much at all.  So, this is a condensed version of everything. I chose to leave some things out because 1. I don't want to bore anyone, and 2. Some things are just so special and private I would just rather hold onto them nice and tight for myself. =D


     There is nothing quite like saying "see you later" to your husband as he heads off to war. It leaves a hole in your chest, and there are so many unanswered questions and new emotions. You feel sick, you have moments of panic, and other times you wonder why the heck you agreed to this lifestyle. Thankfully, we were surrounded by amazing friends and families for this, and the love and support is just continuously over flowing.

                          (When Aj packs, expect a tornado)

    (Messing around with Aj's gear and trying to not make it so depressing)


      We woke up on D-day, and just laid in bed for awhile.  Having someone to sleep next to is something we are going to miss terribly, and yes D-day was everything we thought it would be; just awful. All morning Aj kept saying "is this real, is this really happening?" I wish it wasn't, but it's what we signed up for. I can't tell you how many times we hit snooze on our alarms, just hoping that this whole thing wasn't real. I was nauseous all morning and didn't eat. I still wasn't sure how I was going to react to that "see you later", so I was cautious.

                   (Last picture before leaving our home)

      I just about lost myself when Aj said goodbye to Conan(I know, I told myself crying is stupid, but that idea went out the window fast!) Poor guy has no clue tomorrow morning his daddy won't be there.  I have strict orders to train him well and teach him good manners(Funny, I'm pretty sure I'm the one who has taught all the basic commands to the dog so far!). I seriously can't wait for their reunion. I got Conan when I did because 1.  I knew he would be at the age where he would know his dad 2. he would remember him and 3. he would keep me company while Aj was away.

                                                       
                       (Saying "see you later" to Conan)

                         (Saying "see you later" to Cheeto)

 Aj's parents and I were able to be with him for a good 4 hours before we said "see you later"(we thought we only had about an hour; hurry up and wait!). The send off took place on post where the guys worked. It was nice because all of the families were in the parking lot together, and having all those people around served as a great reminder that we are not in this alone; we are all in this together. The weather was surprisingly beautiful on D-day, ironic because for so many families it was such a sad day. I'm just happy Aj got to enjoy one last pretty day here in the States =D

  

                        (On our way to drop him off...fake smiles)

                     (Hanging out during the few hours we had left)

     I didn't cry at all when saying "see you in a few months" to Aj. I decided that I needed to be positive and this experience was going to be just that. Plus, watching all those little one's crying and reaching out to dad one last time just about riped my heart right out of my chest. We do not have kids or one on the way, and I could not be more thankful for that!

    I will never forget the last words Aj said to me "I love you more than anything, this will go by quick, please take care of my Cheeto, love my puppy and train him to have good manners, and don't go crazy with my credit card" (I couldn't stop laughing). As sad as I want to be sometimes, or as angry as I want to be, that man finds a way to give me the giggles.

(Aj giving me his last demands ;D )

(Kissing Aj mid-laugh)

For those of you wondering, I'm fine! Seriously. Aj's mom has been a lifesaver and is keeping me super busy! We spent the rest of the day together after dropping Aj off, and she kept me busy Saturday. His family and I went to our annual military Christmas party that night. I had actually opted out from going a few days prior, because I wasn't sure how I would feel. I was just fine though, and decided that being surrounded by people who understand, and have many more deployments than we do was a great reminder that we can make it through this! It was fantastic and I had a really great time.  

On Sunday I was barely home at all. Aj's mom, and our good friend Pam and I were able to get a ton of Christmas shopping done. That night Aj's grandmother fell in her home and was sent to the ER. We  stayed with her until about 3am. Aj had tried to call me while I was there and I missed not only the first call, but 3 more after that!  I stayed calm about this, until some doctor ticked me off by telling me I couldn't stand in the area I was in because I would be in the way( it was the only area I was getting reception) I went off on the doctor about how I was waiting for a call from Afghanistan, and that shut him up real quick. The entire staff proceeded to tip toe around me all night ;D I didn't freak out much about not missing his call, even though I was annoyed by that doctor. I knew he would try again, and he did the next day =D No point in getting upset, I knew reception and any contact was going to be, and will continue to be crappy.

p.s.- what people don't tell you, is the tornado of crap the guys leave behind for you. I can't even being to tell you how much junk is all over the house from Aj packing. What the heck am I supposed to do with it, and where am I going to hide it for a year!?!

And so it begins...

Where do I start....
         How about the official announcement that Aj would be deploying. The rumors began right before we got married in July, and went something along the lines of "expect a deployment in December, more specific details will come soon". When and where were never announced until about November(3 months later) and at this same time we were finally "updated" on the details of this deployment. Families were told the deployment would begin anywhere from  Dec 1st-31st and it would be 12 months (thanks Army, you told us nothing new and were even more vague!). I found myself laughing hysterically about this, they made a huge deal about the announcement and had many meetings, yet they had nothing new to announce. More precious time wasted when they could have just sent an email, that of course would be just too easy.
         We finally got word that Aj would be deploying Dec. 16th. and my heart broke knowing that he would be leaving a week before Christmas. All of the traditions we have made over these past 7 years together is something I'm going to miss terribly, but I'm so proud of him and thankful that because he will be giving up a Christmas, others will be able to have theirs.
          Everything everyone has told me about the anticipation leading up to him leaving is true. We keep asking one another "Is this real?" It literally just makes you sick. I know I have freaked Aj out a few times because I would find myself staring at him, just taking in everything about him. He would get those weird vibes of someone looking at him and catch me just creepily staring at him ;) He leaves in a few days and so many things are racing through my mind. I'm surprisingly doing ok though, and I'm working hard to not let myself get down in the dumps about him leaving. I know it would only make it more difficult for him.
         The both of us haven't talked much about the deployment in all honesty, mostly because we know that dwelling on it will only make it more difficult. I have asked all of my important (you better tell me so I don't freak out) questions, so I have had time to digest the information he has given me. Having finals leading up to him leaving has been a life saver. I thought being sucessful this semester would be impossible, but without the intense studying I have been doing I probably would have drove myself crazy with even more anticipation.
         The one question I have been asked the most is "what is the most difficult part". Its a tough question to answer. You can't spend time thinking about all of the negative things, otherwise you will never make it through the year.Other than the unstable area he will be in, and the constant worrying for his safety, I think the one thing that I'm worried about the most is our puppy. I can't believe I'm saying that, because until I got hooked on a certain breed of dog and found our little baby, I never really was a dog person. Aj and Conan have such a special bond and it will absolutely break my heart when Conan runs around the corner and down the hall in the morning looking for his daddy, and he wont be there. I will definitely have to hold myself together for that one. On the other hand, I know their reunion for R&R is going to be incredible, and I will be an absolute wreck when they finally get to see one another again.
          I know that this next year will be tough, but Aj and I are ready for this, and we have the best support anyone could ask for. Thousands of people experience deployments, it's something we can get through and we will. I have full faith in Aj's soldiers and the bond they share with him. I know they will all take care of one another and do their best to get everyone home safe.

       I was sent this song a little bit ago. It was written by Connie Francis. I think it's absolutely beautiful and timeless. Her voice is incredible. It's one of those songs that reminds me of how lucky we are to have one another. Through all the hard times we are never alone, and how lucky we are to have one another to miss.

If it takes forever I will wait for you
For a thousand summers I will wait for you
Till you're back beside me, till I'm holding you
Till I hear you sigh here in my arms.
Anywhere you wander, anywhere you go
Every day remember how I love you so
In your heart believe what in my heart I know
That forevermore I'll wait for you.
The clock will tick away the hours one by one
Then the time will come when all the waiting's done
The time when you return and find me here and run
Straight to my waiting arms.
If it takes forever I will wait for you
For a thousand summers I will wait for you
Till you're here beside me, till I'm touching you
And forevermore sharing your love...

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10